Ive been sleeping too little and thinking too much. I’ve been spending too much time online looking at rental property. I’ve bought too much new stuff. I’ve been eating too much crap. I’ve been flicking to my email too often. I’ve been looking at how my blog performs. I’ve been alone too often. I’ve expected things of people. I’ve spent too much time on instagram.
And I feel so bleh about who I am and where I am in life, how I look & who I have around me.
I basically feel like the last day of the second last week of winter, after an all night study session with bad coffee and home brand cooking chocolate, wearing wet jeans and a too small jumper in a south westerly after leaving my coat on the bus and being dumped by email from India.
That’s how I feel.
But I’m going to do a different sort of post. A sort of wish- sort of promise.
I will never mother as my mother does. I will be there for my children. I’ll be the kind of mum who is in their child’s instagram posts ten years from now. I’ll be present, loving and empathetic. I’ll make a home for my children so they have somewhere to come back to, a safety net. I will help them. I will Always love them.
– I’ll take time with bub3 and cherish every moment- no matter how hallmark that sounds- I want to remember and be totally present for as much as I can. I’ll remember that you never know when something will change or end. I’ll listen to her sleep breathing, choose her clothes in the morning, make her laugh and read to her every day.
– there will be peace and time in my life. Don’t know how, but there will be.
– I’ll find friends again and have more the one I have. They’ll even live in Australia . I don’t know how, but I’m sure I can’t be that bad and it can’t be impossible. I’ll have my tribe.
-I will act again and well. I’ll get an agent. I’ll start a theatre company – do it properly – run classes and workshops, maybe film. I’ll cast myself and not feel guilty. I’ll work with like minded people. It will work out. I’m not too old to start this.
– I’ll look after myself in all ways. I’ll take dance & yoga classes, I’ll eat as well as I can. I’ll fix this bloody mess of a hairstyle. I’ll go to good hairdressers. I’ll take the time to take care of me. I’ll work out a skincare routine and use it.
– I’ll see myself as me. Not an age. Not how I’m judged. Ill stop hating myself, stop being who I must be because of my life or situation and be Just me. I’ll find the me who lipsynchs down the street and literally dances in the rain. Who cries at movies. Who hurts and loves equally deeply. Who is human, confused and kind.
– I will dream and try and do and take it slowly and enjoy the moments and stop worrying about them moving too quickly. I’ll just be.
– I still have time to live. I may have lost most of ten years to my bastard disease but there is still time to live and love. To make more family. To learn. To dance. To create. To grow. I’m not old yet. god knows how many lines and how much grey hair will still be there if i do what ive said i will. But 38 isnt even middle age. Im not an age. I’m me.
Now to believe it.